Snub-dance Film Festival

Oscar nominations are the staunch conservative uncle in a family of 99%-ers. We collectively toss "What the hells!?" at the incognito voters and they wait with arms at their sides making little effort to catch our heartfelt pleas for reason. A winner can be voted against by three out of four voters. Wait, an actor can put "Oscar winner" on their cv after receiving less than 15% positive votes? I believe that HOM will one day grace the covers of DVDs for what I am calling "Official selection at the HOM Snub festival." I just need an eye catching 'oak leaf-like' insignia to go with my faux-festival that only features snubbed movies and movies featuring actors snubbed from Oscar nominations.

Our first festie will be headlined by Drive featuring Albert Brooks and Ryan Gosling. They'll be on the main stage and we'll have the speakers turned up real loud like.

The opening act will be The Descendants featuring Shailene Woodley. Her performance in the movie makes The Help seem like the somewhat-boring-straight-to-DVD film that it might actually be.

I am going to go ahead and concede that The Tree of Life will not win best picture. At our festie we will have a stage that is decorated all futuristic and stuff. We will act like its 2080. Because in 2080 people will still be talking about The Tree of Life and they'll look at you with crooked brows when you say you loved that french guy in that movie that won an Oscar one time.

We are going to have a seven hour Q&A with Michael Fassbender on Thursday and Friday. Critics and fans will not be allowed to ask him how much weight he lost for Hunger or about what it's like working with that director with the same name as a famous actor. Questions on Thursday will be funneled into topics like, which character in Mighty Ducks do you most identify with? If you could be in any Indiana Jones movie, which would you pick? What does it feel like to be the actor version of Matthew McConauhey? What is a normal day like when you spend it with McConaughey? These Q&A sessions will dovetail nicely with the shorts that I assume he and McConaughey having been making about playing chess with Death on Malibu beaches. We'll screen each one of the 38 shorts believed to exist, intermittently. Charlie Rose will be the only one allowed to ask questions on Friday, though. 


On Sunday, before we all head over to the main stage for the screening of Drive, and before we go to the Renaissance festival where you can hurl tomatoes at production czars like Weinstein that campaign for Oscar votes, we'll all go to Mass and Leo Dicaprio will be giving the homily. 


All in all, it should be a good film festival. We'll have to look into hiring some foreign language film consultants, though. I can't even imagine how many good movies we're missing out on by our box office's lack of deference for sub titles. 


Tickets will go on sale when we nail down a venue. Surely some community college in Tennessee will be down to host. I'll draft a letter to them or something.